Intimacy begins with the willingness to know and be known by another person. The deeper knowledge goes between people, the deeper the intimacy that can prevail in their relationship. Communication difficulties and desire discrepancies often meet when couples encounter difficult issues with intimacy.

Sometimes people think they’re being intimate when what they have is good sex, and it is true that being sexual with another person usually includes some measure of intimacy. But sex is only one form of physical intimacy, and the body is only one avenue to intimacy. It is possible to be sexually intimate with someone and still neither know the person deeply nor be known by her.

For a relationship to thrive, to provide fulfillment and satisfaction for all parties, and to grow deeper over time, it must have more than physical intimacy. The intimacy of shared experiences, shared thoughts, and shared interests are all important. But most of all a fulfilling partnered relationship must have emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is created when people tell the truth about their feelings to one another, and listen carefully to hear the truth in return. Intimacy of this sort can frighten and challenge people because it exposes their deepest selves and makes them vulnerable. It is not necessary to become vulnerable to others in order to survive, or to be partnered in business or casual friendships. But in deeper relationships it is usually necessary simply in order to love and be loved in return.

Mutual loving is what intimacy is really about, whether love takes the form of a romantic and erotic marriage, a deep friendship, or a fulfilling parent-child bond. And even though human beings seem to be born with an innate capacity for all these forms of love, many people become guarded against their own capacities to love and be intimate by the time they become adults.

Fortunately, a lost or damaged capacity to love and be intimate can be regained through the process of learning to trust, and learning to communicate about our deepest feelings. That learning is available in most couples work.